To the broken soul I once loved, I forgive you

 

“What can possibly be harder than realizing that your lover does not say that he loves you anymore?” She said looking at me with bored narrow eyes

“Watching him force it out of those sweet spicy lips like another burdensome vexing obligation. Then calling him up at the end of a hard long day knowing that his voice, alone, shall compensate for this exhausting stressful week and that his “Hello” will solely shake the earth below your feet and erupt volcanoes inside the deepest valleys of your heart and wrap you up with warm blankets and butterflies, every. single. time! But, instead, you are hit back to earth by the his faint empty Hellos, the lethal silence once you run out of the energy to keep the conversation going and his fleeting almost inexistent anticipation of your calls, then hearing him blame being MIA on ditching that same phone that has not stopped buzzing for the last hour and thirty minutes with texts and missed calls from that girl you always secretly knew about and felt threatened by. That, madam, is enough to bring a woman to her knees.”

“I…I stand corrected”

……………………………………………………………………………………………..
“It was unfathomable, incomprehensible…inconceivable”

 

I do recall confrontation hour, It was the same day that I had organised “The Great Mourning” of the demise of my beloved and sent out invitation cards.
The visitors were dressed in ethereal white and were the comfort, light, and armor in the midst of my growing melancholy and for them i am eternally thankful.
Except, i knew that day as I was putting on my black gown that i wouldn’t bear the sight of it in the morning in fact I’d tear it right open after the mourning ends.
What he didn’t know was that this assembly was not to declare my end, it was to announce his.
You know i would never write a cliché sad tale of love and loss nor a tale of my destruction and degeneration right? Love, you think I’d grant you that much satisfaction? Think again, and enjoy reading.

It was only then that I had fallen out of love with you.

Yes, it wasn’t after I found out the various creative ways that you employed to cheat on me, it was not after you made me cry for the first time like a child when i told you that i missed you

It

was

right.

There:

“I heard you guys broke up” a former friend of mine said after i asked her to check on you
“Yes we did. It was either I get my life together or stay in a relationship with her and I chose my life TOBEHONEST”.

And just like that…
I watched myself suffocate on the sweet rich lies uttered by a relentless inherently dirty mouth. I saw us in hindsight and lamented the sacrifices, the wasted time and the trouble I constantly got myself in for him in vain.
I opened my palms that to my surprise, were bleeding out all the venom that I carried since the last time your hand held mine for i hadn’t washed my hands since then. You were in my veins.
You had infiltrated my soul, my mind, and body and letting you go was not another goodbye; It was a full on rain storm, Insomniac nights marked by what I call “Depression season”
It was a compulsory detox,
An automatic thorough cleansing that I had no part or say in

but it was also life changing …I was revolutionized, and i owe it all to you.

“Oh come on, Sarah! You’re not supposed to care, remember?” She said to me after i attempted to camouflage the pain -that knocked me senseless- with sarcasm.
“Right?”
“Hello…”
My thoughts were too loud I couldn’t for the life of me formulate an answer…Instead I watched the raging wars in my mind turn into poetry

—————————————————————————

182.62 days passed and nothing haunts me more than these two questions:
“How come he had two different choices when I could only have one?
How does he have the audacity to choose his life over me when I named him My Life?
And didn’t I have a life of my own? Why didn’t i leave you to find it? Truth is that I was capable of lifting both of us simultaneously. In fact, i lovingly and unquestionably lifted you and your mountains and inhaled the signature chemical smell that reeked out of you  and wore it like it was my favorite designer french perfume with a damn smile on my face as i performed my natural “duty”.
But when it was finally time for us to switch roles you complained that the pebbles in my pockets were getting too heavy and out of control for you to handle. After all, you didn’t like how much they weighed you down.

“So the question is , do you still hate him now?”

Dear broken soul, I forgive you

in fact i worry about you

for whoever made your heart cold and bruised you

for whoever belittled your ambitions and tore your heart open,

obviously triumphed over you

you did not only become that person you became 10 times more heartless and dangerous than he/she could have ever been

I worry you will never heal

I watched you become your past and let it define you, and that sir, is where i draw the line

that is what makes us different

for I will never be you.
I forgive you and I like to believe that it was “nothing personal”
I like to believe that no emotionally sane man, possessing a full functioning brain, chooses to willingly destroy the only person stupid enough to befriend his demons

I forgive you because forgiveness is a gift to myself

Because forgiveness melts away your power

and I …will never be you.

Sincerely, Sarah Awji

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6 thoughts on “To the broken soul I once loved, I forgive you

  1. A powerful masterpiece as this deserves to be located within the most profound corners of a museum that grants a provision for art to flourish and sprout beyond the mundane boundaries of the imagination. I have never felt a string of relation take substance as I have with your writing, and it astounds me how lyrical and excruciatingly authentic your words take form. No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth, ever, and no one makes you heed the degeneration you might find yourself standing on the brisk of as you encounter people who find [sic] “creative ways to employ as they cheat on you, and make you cry for the first time like a child when you tell them that you missed them.” Having been in a toxic relationship myself, I am flabbergasted by how close I find myself embedded within this literary masterpiece, and I have come to understand that of course, you never really forget anyone, but you certainly release them. You stop allowing their history to have any meaning for you ever again. You let them change their haircut, let them move, let them fall in love again. And when you see this person you have let go, you apprehend that there is no reason to be melancholic. The person you knew exists somewhere, but you are separated by too much time to reach them again. It is saddening that people who were once considered a piece of your world can vanish in the cloth of time, but it feels exuberant to acknowledge that, within you, there lingers all the temples you burned and rebuilt again, and how no one’s ever thanked you for a hard day’s work but yourself, and in that silence you suddenly understood the many ways a person can die but still be alive.

    If there’s one thing this reminds me of, it’s this: my brother had taught me to be nice first, because you can always be opposing to that later, but once you’ve been initially crude to someone, they won’t believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it’s time to stop being nice, then destroy them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, Thank you so much for taking the time to write this beautiful eloquent review. I hope I manage to articulate the words to properly thank you. It is friends like you that pick us up from the ground and allow us writers to keep going. I loved that you could relate to this on a personal level , it is after all my most personal piece… It was the hardest to write but I’m absolutely glad that I put it out there for people to relate to and to remind themselves that someone has been through an unbelievably toxic destructive relationship too. This assures them that they’ll move on and find their strength. I love love love the mantra your brother gave you; I believe I do apply it all the time. In your own words, yes this was my “release” and after it I knew it would be the very last time I think about him. I knew I got it out of my system and that this might be the very last time I ever mention him in my writings,at least angrily. This was my way of taking ownership over my emotions and myself. This was me taking my power back through the most effective yet unexpected way possible:forgiveness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I wholeheartedly agree. Some endings are worth the wait, and sometimes, when the end comes, no one hears it―an apocalypse in miniature. It is the last wheeze of something beautiful and transient. In this world, it’s too easy to feel on the brink of extinction: all of us just endangered animals holding our breath―a microcosm of life and love not yet fully realized or discovered. Often we think we are unable to neatly fit our lives into one genus or the other, looking for a match to make us feel less alone in a world where life has starburst into so many different versions of the same life-cycle, familiar in its unfamiliarity, but, eventually, want and need are two variants. I think it’s magnificent to look at all the ways we grow from the same root. I want to believe that there is meaning in impermanence, you think you’ve seen every ugly corner of this whole rotten ocean of people, but I comprehend there is an infinite number of feelings we don’t know and, statistically speaking, at least half of them are probably very, very beautiful, like forgiveness.

        I am glad to have come across your work. You are Da Vinci in words.

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      2. Wow… I’m so honored. I can honestly say this is the best compliment I’ve ever received on my writing. “you are Da Vinci in words” I will treasure it in my heart and use it in times of doubt (which are very frequent). I love that there are still many undiscovered beautiful feelings and places and people that are left for us to find. It is indeed very easy to get sucked into a cycle of negativity and enclosure after ones bad experiences. I believe writing grants me closure and allows me to move on and approach new beginnings.

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